My Past, My Future, My Present

My Past, My Future, My Present

I have been thinking about where I want this blog to go and since I was not able to be motivated on the path I was taking I wanted to see what change I could make that would inspire my soul and start to let people who wanted to know truly know me. I have recently (last 4 months) been in the looking for work department. A few weeks ago, I decided, I need to be on sabbatical and focus on me. I want to tell you the reasons in this blog and my journey into healing. So I am going to post this on all my accounts and if it helps one person then anything I disclose here is 100% worth it. Why did I use the word disclose? Well I am going to be authentic, raw and truthful about my life and journey that got me here, where is here? In this moment exactly where I need to be.

So, what made me come to this conclusion is a series of events that have taken place over my lifetime that led to a complete and utter break down in December 2014. One of the events was my time in the military and the fact that I suffer from PTSD; I will speak to this experience in future blogs. Another is that my professional, personal and all around life was an absolute mess (according to my societal beliefs on what life should look like). This resulted in one of the worst depressions of my life. The type of depression that I was not sure I would survive or even that I wanted to survive. I know that may seem dramatic however I did have a plan and I did have a date in mind that I would call it quits and depending on what you believe I would move on to the next phase of my life, the afterlife. Most of this writing will stay focused here with maybe the odd chasing of a squirrel. Now I have had thoughts of self-harm since an incident in the military that made me fear for my life, and to those that know me it was not when I was in a grenade accident, that was icing on the cake. From that point on I felt I did not have nor could I see a future. One of the things I kept telling myself was that I was not supposed to be here, I was not supposed to be alive. When you tell yourself that guess what goes away? A future. No matter who is in your life.

Now I came to believe that I was crazy because who would live with the thoughts or have thoughts of self-harm? No one was talking about it, no one I knew was running around going “hey, I am thinking abut offing myself on a regular basis”. So for the better part of 23 years I have thoughts of taking my life and unless you are crazy who thinks that way? Well it turns out thoughts of self harm are like masturbation almost everyone has them at some point or time in there life it’s just that no one talks about it. Agreed mine were a little further along, I always had a plan….

Now this brings me to last night, I have been living on my own for about a month now, as I take this journey I needed to take it alone. However, I know how much I am loved and that I am never truly alone. Since being on my own and really since January the grocery store has been causing me great anxiety, to those that know me, know, I LOVE to grocery shop. I could spend a couple of hours watching people and going up and down the isles in complete bliss. So this week I decided to ask a friend to go shopping with me for two reasons and they are, I needed company just to get me through the ordeal and offer a distraction and two she is a healthy person and would lead me away from all the crap I would go for because it was easy. We walked and we talked through the grocery store and the distraction worked, I made it through an entire shopping experience. Now the cupboards are full and I no longer have to live on what I can get from 7-11 or my local coffee shop or only eating one meal a day. After bringing the food back to the apartment and while I made my first meal of the day, we talked. Now my friend asked about my journey and how deep I was willing to go to find my essence (This will be next weeks blog along with holes)? I said “well I was in the darkest pit of my life and one that almost caused me to take my life so I am willing to go as far as it takes to heal”.

I then opened up that I had a plan, and a date, I disclosed what my plan was, and I am not going to do that on here as except for hi-level because I do not want to give anyone an idea on how to do it. This morning I realized for the last 20+ years I have believed that if you really want to take your life you wont tell anyone what your plan is, you will just do it! So I kept my plan to myself, if I was going to take that step I did not want anyone to step in and ruin it. Last night I disclosed that yes I was going to use a gun, and no it was not going to be one that I owned. I was always worried who would find me and in no way was I ever going to risk it being a family member or friend. I have seen the devastation that causes first hand, I am not sure how people ever recover from that horror, and so I was not going to let someone I love and care about find me with a hole in my chest. To be completely authentic I did chose the location of the bullet to be my chest because my heart had hurt for so long I wanted to end the pain for that beautiful loving organ, its own euthanasia so to speak, it was truly in pain. Sitting in that emotion today I realized a few things.

  • With disclosing my plan I have now chosen to live truly live.
  • I have a beautiful future, even though I still do not know what it will hold, I have one.
  • The true depths of my pain are no longer secret. And
  • I can no longer be guarded with my emotions and how I truly feel, I have to authentically let people in and they can decide for them selves if I am the type of person they want to hang with.

In future blogs I am going to thank people and acknowledge those that have journeyed with me to this point, I know that it has not always been easy. However today to all of you I will pass on two things from special people in my life.

  • We all have lessons to learn, we will either be taught them in love or in pain and no matter what the lesson and no matter how it is taught, thank the person because they loved you enough to teach you.
  • Cherish the each and every moment with the people in your life because you do not know what the future holds. Be present when you are with them… I am still working on this one. I am currently reading the presence process to help by Michael Brown.

Keep Chasing those Cars,

With Love, Respect and admiration

Steve

29 thoughts on “My Past, My Future, My Present

  1. Hi Steve!!! First I thank you for sharing your story. I speak from experience when I say that I know that it is very hard to let your guard down and let people in to help you. Second, I too suffer from depression and have been hospitalized a number of times for it. The damaging self talk, the self harm, and a low so low that people don’t understand.

    1. Thank you so much Maureen, I am not going to post your comment as it has your phone number and e-mail in it and I do not know who views them after I approve them for publising. I will update my contacts though 🙂 hope you are well

  2. Your strength is a true inspiration. I look forward to your future blogs. It’s a door that I am so interested in opening. PTSD can be such a claw… Ox

  3. Read it
    crying
    So very proud of you, what an amazing amount of inner strength you have
    Praying for your healing journey
    You & your family were and are so incredibly dear to me & my heart.
    Want you to know I’m thinking of you!

  4. Steve I am in shock that you have felt this way and you had a plan I never knew. Thank you for sharing such a personal feelings with your friends. You are that person for me that was my outlet , someone who listened, someone who cared and its because of you I was able to make myself better. This world needs you someone who is caring, someone who lives with his heart on his sleeve. I wish you all the healing in the world and the biggest hugs. Please call me I don’t want you walking this world alone and know you have a friend in me.

  5. Thank you for sharing a deep and personal part of your life. I’m not a Christian or anything organised, but I really do believe the truth will set you free. I hardly know you. You gave me a ride to Calgary so I could pick up a van. You struck me with your intelligence, humility and compassion, I am sure these qualities will stand you in good stead. In solidarity.

    1. Hey Richard, it was good to hear from you and share travel from Edmonton to Calgary. I learned much from our unplanned journey together. With much respect and admiration for you and what you do to make a difference

  6. Steve, your honesty is so very humbling. I am so proud of you that you could put this out there. You are one of those people who so many people love and I wish that you find goodness and positive energy comes back at you, because I think that is exactly what you deserve.

  7. Thank you for sharing your journey with us Steve as it takes such courage to show vulnerability…..a paradox of sorts. I have always said you were a good person with a big heart which explains why you have so many supporters and friends. Coffee again soon!

  8. Enjoyed presenting with you at the CHMA conference last year and reading your blog tonight. Looking forward to reading more of your journey past, present and future. Your first lesson shared especially resonated with me
    Take good care and keep the blogs coming

    1. Hi Shelly, it was great presenting with you as well, I guess this is truly disclosing :). I am finding that it resonates with more than who would like to admit. Thats why I will continue to post

  9. You are truly loved brother and always there if you need me p.s I still love chasing cars it’s the short stops that remind me not to follow so closely

  10. When you don’t know what to say, you can always go back to the first thing that pops in to your head. Here’s mine, You are so incredibly brave.

    I am here for you.

  11. Hi Steve… you leave a permanent imprint on people’ s souls that you have crossed paths with …some of these people that I know of…have more than positive thoughts and feelings for you…I wish you find your wonderful self that I felt in you with all my heart:)
    BG

  12. It took real courage to tell your story. I’m glad you are still with us. From my experience you have to hold on to what and whom you love. You also have to be attentive to what you feel, because you can’t change what you don’t aknowkedge. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. And ride your bicycle, sport is good for the mind.

  13. You should know that you have a big pair of shoes brother. Nobody else could fill them if they tried.
    Thank you for sharing.

  14. Steve, I was going down that path last time we saw each other. Learning about the horrors in this world brought me down a very interesting and dark path. You saw them first hand. I had been struggling with issues for years (over 10) and they just got worst and worst, no matter how healthy and how “Spiritual” I became. I never go on LinkedIn but today I felt a strong urge and did and saw this post. I never click on blogs either, but I have always thought highly of you, so I did. I will tell you God pushed me, but, in the past, I would have said the universe did it. Thank you first for sharing. You will likely help people you don’t even know. You are so right. Today, many people are going through this in some form. I used to think I was not spiritual enough, healthy enough, etc. Guilt guilt guilt. Before I left ATB, I was going to self destruct, so best leave. You are going to be surprised from my next half. I have recently become Christian after a really rough time emotionally and physically. The peace of knowing – today there is no doubt. I will also say that I would never had believed without my experiences. I know if you are open and let Him show you, He will. I would like to talk in person to explain further because today, we are in a world that mocks God/Christians. I believe your suffering is the same as mine, and that is missing the love of our Father. I won’t say more because I know how this is perceived – especially since I used to not like Christians (I actually no longer speak to some members of my family because they are Christian and what I thought ignorant – I got some sorries to say) and was really into the new age thinking. I can tell by your essense comment, you may be there too. I will caution that the new age is occult religion. You will have my email below, feel free to contact me. I am coming for a visit in June if you ever want to talk. I also love groceries…. And am a health nut. If you are searching for healing and believe in God, listen to Derek Prince – it may all make sense. He was in the army as well. If you are not sure, I would prefer to ease you into this because our world is stranger than it appears my friend. You are not alone….. Jesus and God are real. If this is not the right time and place for you, the only advice I have is do not close that door 🙂

    1. HI Steph, I wanted to say thank you for your heartfelt response ant the true caring and love it shows for me and my well being. I will be posting about my relationship and feelings around god in future blogs as it is a big part of my past. I am someone who has read the bible and not just specific verses so I feel that my understanding is what it was supposed to be. I was aware of where you were at before you left and tried to talk, however I do not think that was part of your journey at the time, we are driven so much in fear.

      I am so glad you found your path and journey that will and has helped you tremendously and I am truly honoured you shared that with me.

      Namaste

  15. Wow. Thanks for sharing and being so open an honest. You have certainly opened my eyes and I am so lucky to have met you, worked with you, and became friends.
    Thanks for always being there for everyone , even when your life was overflowing.
    Amazing.
    Jackie.kelly@shaw.ca

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