My Past, My Future, My Present
I have been thinking about where I want this blog to go and since I was not able to be motivated on the path I was taking I wanted to see what change I could make that would inspire my soul and start to let people who wanted to know truly know me. I have recently (last 4 months) been in the looking for work department. A few weeks ago, I decided, I need to be on sabbatical and focus on me. I want to tell you the reasons in this blog and my journey into healing. So I am going to post this on all my accounts and if it helps one person then anything I disclose here is 100% worth it. Why did I use the word disclose? Well I am going to be authentic, raw and truthful about my life and journey that got me here, where is here? In this moment exactly where I need to be.
So, what made me come to this conclusion is a series of events that have taken place over my lifetime that led to a complete and utter break down in December 2014. One of the events was my time in the military and the fact that I suffer from PTSD; I will speak to this experience in future blogs. Another is that my professional, personal and all around life was an absolute mess (according to my societal beliefs on what life should look like). This resulted in one of the worst depressions of my life. The type of depression that I was not sure I would survive or even that I wanted to survive. I know that may seem dramatic however I did have a plan and I did have a date in mind that I would call it quits and depending on what you believe I would move on to the next phase of my life, the afterlife. Most of this writing will stay focused here with maybe the odd chasing of a squirrel. Now I have had thoughts of self-harm since an incident in the military that made me fear for my life, and to those that know me it was not when I was in a grenade accident, that was icing on the cake. From that point on I felt I did not have nor could I see a future. One of the things I kept telling myself was that I was not supposed to be here, I was not supposed to be alive. When you tell yourself that guess what goes away? A future. No matter who is in your life.
Now I came to believe that I was crazy because who would live with the thoughts or have thoughts of self-harm? No one was talking about it, no one I knew was running around going “hey, I am thinking abut offing myself on a regular basis”. So for the better part of 23 years I have thoughts of taking my life and unless you are crazy who thinks that way? Well it turns out thoughts of self harm are like masturbation almost everyone has them at some point or time in there life it’s just that no one talks about it. Agreed mine were a little further along, I always had a plan….
Now this brings me to last night, I have been living on my own for about a month now, as I take this journey I needed to take it alone. However, I know how much I am loved and that I am never truly alone. Since being on my own and really since January the grocery store has been causing me great anxiety, to those that know me, know, I LOVE to grocery shop. I could spend a couple of hours watching people and going up and down the isles in complete bliss. So this week I decided to ask a friend to go shopping with me for two reasons and they are, I needed company just to get me through the ordeal and offer a distraction and two she is a healthy person and would lead me away from all the crap I would go for because it was easy. We walked and we talked through the grocery store and the distraction worked, I made it through an entire shopping experience. Now the cupboards are full and I no longer have to live on what I can get from 7-11 or my local coffee shop or only eating one meal a day. After bringing the food back to the apartment and while I made my first meal of the day, we talked. Now my friend asked about my journey and how deep I was willing to go to find my essence (This will be next weeks blog along with holes)? I said “well I was in the darkest pit of my life and one that almost caused me to take my life so I am willing to go as far as it takes to heal”.
I then opened up that I had a plan, and a date, I disclosed what my plan was, and I am not going to do that on here as except for hi-level because I do not want to give anyone an idea on how to do it. This morning I realized for the last 20+ years I have believed that if you really want to take your life you wont tell anyone what your plan is, you will just do it! So I kept my plan to myself, if I was going to take that step I did not want anyone to step in and ruin it. Last night I disclosed that yes I was going to use a gun, and no it was not going to be one that I owned. I was always worried who would find me and in no way was I ever going to risk it being a family member or friend. I have seen the devastation that causes first hand, I am not sure how people ever recover from that horror, and so I was not going to let someone I love and care about find me with a hole in my chest. To be completely authentic I did chose the location of the bullet to be my chest because my heart had hurt for so long I wanted to end the pain for that beautiful loving organ, its own euthanasia so to speak, it was truly in pain. Sitting in that emotion today I realized a few things.
- With disclosing my plan I have now chosen to live truly live.
- I have a beautiful future, even though I still do not know what it will hold, I have one.
- The true depths of my pain are no longer secret. And
- I can no longer be guarded with my emotions and how I truly feel, I have to authentically let people in and they can decide for them selves if I am the type of person they want to hang with.
In future blogs I am going to thank people and acknowledge those that have journeyed with me to this point, I know that it has not always been easy. However today to all of you I will pass on two things from special people in my life.
- We all have lessons to learn, we will either be taught them in love or in pain and no matter what the lesson and no matter how it is taught, thank the person because they loved you enough to teach you.
- Cherish the each and every moment with the people in your life because you do not know what the future holds. Be present when you are with them… I am still working on this one. I am currently reading the presence process to help by Michael Brown.
Keep Chasing those Cars,
With Love, Respect and admiration