When I say WORK, what do you think? I think that in our culture today we have a very distinct definition for this. Mine was going to a job, giving them as much as possible on any given day and getting a paycheque, benefits, and maybe some education or coaching in return. House cleaning, chores, making lunches are all forms of work, yet we do not really call them work they because we do not get paid, therefore we place a different value on them. So, work as I understood it before, required me to get paid!
I have said and heard many people say, “I am working on me”. I have figured out lately that the work I was doing on me was only surface or pseudo work and not really WORK. I may have still ended up in that place I was last December and January, very close to the end however, if I was truly doing the WORK I believe my tools to deal with it would have been much different. I feel because we do not get an immediate financial benefit from this work we also place a different value on it. I know I did! I believe subconsciously that I did not value some of this work as it was being directed by a therapist (my new names for any type of therapist is teacher or guide). I know I was ashamed about having to talk to one because I made myself feel weak for needing someone, I feared what people would say. I am still working through old beliefs given and fully accepted by me that impacted my recovery. One belief was that if you need someone like that you are weak or broken, I know I am not either of these anymore (most days, well more then before).
Pseudo work (I have done a lot of pseudo work) for me can be summed up simply as shaking up the medicine bottle, reading the label and then putting it away. If you have a skin rash and only shake the ointment, read the label then put it away, will your rash ever really heal? Maybe, but the medication has two impacts, the first get rid of the rash, the second, stop its return. In some of my pseudo work I was just shaking the bottle. Now, there are still things that resonated with me, I was even able to talk about them with people. I was able to see the value of the information, yet never really dove in, never really looked at me, which I have learned, are where the problems and the solutions both exist. I cannot look at another without first looking in the mirror. After looking in the mirror and being fully honest about the issues and emotions (honest is the key word) and its causes, the other person never is at fault for my emotional state. Someone may have committed the act, yet it was me that has chosen to hold on to it. So we are clear, I am NOT saying the act is the fault of the victim, ever. However healing is 100% up to the person with the emotional pain and I do not think that requires forgiveness of the act… However that belief of forgiveness may change as I journey and grow, and I am now open to those changes.
I tried to do the work alone, or only half listening to my teachers, my guides or myself. When I would start to feel the pain, I would look exterior to me for that problem and solution, I would put my emotional state on someone else. Then I would find solutions that only put a short-term Band Aid on. I would try to fill that pain with a person, with work or with focusing elsewhere. I truly believe that in my future, without teachers or guides and without me DOING the WORK, I would and will continue to stumble through the dark forest with no direction and no light. I would continue to bump into trees, getting cuts and bruises and even fall to the ground without a clear direction of how to stand up. I was lucky that every once in a while the moon would crack through the trees and give me a little hope, only to have the clouds cover it soon after as my ego tried to take over the healing process. There were a few times where I was able to hold onto the light that shone through, I was able to add it to my foundation. It was these true brief moments of WORK that gave me the strength to reach out at the last second, allowing me the process of starting to surrender my ego.
So here is my new definition of work: Any task that requires me to exert any energy, apply any self discipline, to be mindful of myself or others, self-betterment, where the outcome will have a long lasting and positive effect on me or those around me. Where half-assed effort will leave me the same or worse then before.
With Love Respect and Admiration
Keep Chasing those Cars!
I want to hold myself accountable to not judging others and last week I mentioned Liz Taylor and Hugh Hefner in my blog. I do not know these people and placed unfounded judgements on their life. I should have kept it in the “I” format and will make sure I do that from here forward. I am completely great with being held accountable, so if you feel I am not being accountable feel free to call me out in a caring and supportive way. I am still learning.