I am starting to realize how much secrets hurt me. I am not speaking of secrets that we tell our friends about, like a secret crush or the time I unwrapped a Christmas gift and then re-wrapped it without getting caught (sorry mom). I am talking about the secrets we feel emotionally! Those we are deathly afraid to admit. The ones that make us feel shame, fear, loathing, hatred, anger and deep unexplained sorrow, to name a few. Maybe these feelings are the actual secret as we do not know why or what caused them, we just feel them! Over the past few months I have realized the magnitude of my secrets, not just how many I hold but sometimes how deep they go.
My secrets also revolve around not living for who I am and not being honest about how I am feeling. The stories I told myself that would keep me from sharing. The fear of hurting someone if they came out. These led in time to me feeling all of the emotions above and then some.
I was always looking for reasons to support my feelings, in my blogs and in my life. I am now calling them my stories. These stories were proof to back up what I was feeling was real. For example, in anger I would look at how other people caused me to feel angry. Shame, I would look at ways that I screwed up in my life that would re-enforce that I had reasons to hold shame. Lonely, that was a double whammy with shame. When people left my life I would blame me (shame), it would also be the proof that I had no one (lonely). Fear for me is weakness, I would think that I was weak and that what I was feeling was not valid, not real and I was not worthy. I would suffer in silence with my feelings looking to fill the emotional holes with work, with people or with anything that would take me away from my pain.
I would live in other’s worlds helping them all the while hoping that I would find the answer to my pain by walking with them through theirs. In most cases we were all just doing pseudo work, so the message we were seeking was not likely to be found. I would forget about my issues by feeling theirs, only to realize that my negative emotions would come back and usually worse than before. In all cases I would not honour my feelings, I would not be truthful and hold my pain in the hopes that walking with them would allow me to forget myself.
I would stay in situations that would be toxic or become toxic and I would externalize my issues with resentment, all the while I was only resenting me for staying. Then there are the secrets that I held because I felt weak. PTSD and depression came with stigma that I put on me! I would take what others would say or think and hold on tight to my secrets. I had to be strong and not show weakness, I already I felt I was weak from having these issues.
I have recently talked to both family and friends and confirmed that being truly vulnerable has helped us all. First, I realized I was not alone in my feelings and secondly, we all wanted to share but we were afraid!
Talking to a friend of mine who was once worried about coming out about their sexuality and how that almost killed them “literally”. They feared their parents’ reaction most of all just because dad said an off colour joke one day so far in the past, but it made his child hold onto a secret. When the person finally chose that living in truth was more important than living in shame and told their parents, Dear Ole Dad said it was about time and that he suspected for some time. When he realized it was his words the child feared most of all he broke down. Imagine the power of the words we have said in the past that keep those that we love from being truly authentic, real and safe with us. Imagine the words like calling someone else “FAT” while someone in your group suffers from an eating disorder, using the word “CRAZY” or “WEAK” while someone suffers from depression. I know that these words don’t always hold the same strength for everyone but in the minds of someone struggling they become the sandpaper they use on their spirit.
My secrets have only been hurting me and this last time the hurt I caused myself by keeping the secrets was so deep I only saw darkness. The beautiful thing is, in that darkness I was able to find me, the real essence of me. So since feeding the negative grew the negative, I am going to focus on feeding the “essence” and watch it grow strong and powerful. Going forward I am going to express my feelings more appropriately. Some of this new found expression might be hard for some to hear and it might have impacts on if our journey together looks like. However, I now know no matter what happens, I will be ok!
Keep chasing those cars
With Love, Respect and Admiration