I have been thinking a lot about my life lately. With these blogs I have been sharing some of my thoughts, some of my feelings and a lot of my growth. What about my mistakes? Of all my mistakes, the ones that stay with me are the ones I regret, they were made out of fear. These fear based mistakes kept me paralyzed from moving in a direction I wanted to go or “forced” me to move in a direction I did not want to go. For a long time I was afraid to be who I am because I feared something was wrong with me.
I still have a really tough time with the feelings that come with fear, as they honestly have to be the hardest ones to deal with. These emotions stopped and in some cases still stop me from being who I want(ed) to be! They kept me frozen in time, a time from my past. A big issue with these fears coming from my past is that I was unaware I had invited the ghosts of my past to play with me in my present. The fear paralyzed me so much that I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs every swear word I knew, plus make some up I felt needed inventing to pack the punch I needed.
Another problem with fear is that it leads to anger and resentment. Anger followed when I was too afraid to do something I truly wanted. I would get angry towards the person or thing I felt was holding me back and then I would be resentful towards the person or the situation. I now know that they were not holding me back, it was always me. My lessons around fear are still not done. I know this because as I write this, the charged emotions are filling my chest and my shoulder is throbbing. The damage done to others through these mistakes was bad, but what is almost unforgivable was the damage done to myself because I was afraid. The damage and drama I played out on my body and soul could not have been inflicted with such intensity or conviction by anyone else.
I know I have more work to do as fear from my past continues to hold me captive today, not as much as before as I can recognize it better. As I journey this time, I realize that fear has controlled so much of my life. I am going to do everything I can to release these irrational fears one by one. I am going to finish today with one last question. “What would you do if you were not afraid?”
Keep chasing those cars!
With Love, Respect and Admiration