I was back in Ontario visiting family recently. This is an annual trip for me, in the years past it was mostly happy. It allowed for another escape from life, it was a time to listen to the family gossip and a time to relax from my work schedule. About five years ago we started a brothers fishing weekend. I have three brothers, of the four boys I am the youngest. As a group we do not seem to connect all that often and this became a way for us to stay better connected. Getting together with them mostly felt natural, almost like no time had really passed. Two or three days of time in a cottage, fishing, playing crib and cooking. Sometimes, if not too tired at the end of the day, we would watch a movie. The time was simple, uncomplicated and the conversation was good.
This year was different for me leading into this trip, as I have not seen any of my brothers for about a year. Since the last time I saw them things have changed for me. Actually things did not change! I just became more authentic about my life. The secrets I was holding onto or hiding were now coming out.
The emotions I was feeling leading up to this trip, trepidation and fear, bothered me a little. What would we talk about? What would they be thinking since I have started writing in this blog? Would the light ribbing be the same? Teasing each other about our little idiosyncrasies, most of which we all share.
This trip turned out much like the others, happy with good conversation and reconnection. We did have a missing member this time as our second oldest could not be there. He started a new job and felt feeding his family was more important than fishing. His larger than life exuberance and personality were missed even though without the extra body, the boat did go faster. Soon after getting to Ontario I realized the fear and trepidation were not really warranted. We had a great time!
One of the nights we decided a boat ride to another island with a better view of the sunset was required. I posted one of the photos to Facebook and a friend of mine said in the comments “Welcome Home”. Those two simple words brought on some interesting emotions and a great realization of how far I have come, also that I still have some work to do around “Welcome Home”.
I realized I have not felt at home anywhere. Someone would say “Welcome home” or “You’re heading home?” and my mental response was “this is not my home”. If I was in Alberta I wanted to be in Ontario and if I was in Ontario I wanted to be in Alberta. Like I wrote in past blogs, even when I was surrounded by people who loved me, I felt alone. When I read the words “Welcome home” below the picture, some of the same responses started to formulate.
The sadness in my gut, the feeling of not fitting in (lonely), was right there waiting to jump on my day. A year ago I would have let those emotions consume me. This year something amazing happened. Along with the initial emotional burst inside my stomach and head came the realization “I have the tools to deal with what was happening”. It was like watching a car race and they needed a photo to see who won, it was that close.
After sitting with these emotions on the boat ride back to the cottage, a realization came to me around “welcome home”. By the time I had put my head on the pillow that that night, the thought was fully formed. “I am home, wherever I am”! If something is not right in my life it has nothing to do with where my feet are, it has 100% to do with where my head is.
No matter what is happening in my life, “I WAS HOME” with me!
Keep Chasing Those Cars
With Love, Respect and Admiration