So it is one year later, from my lowest point and my point where I did not see much in the way of hope. What an anniversary to remember, right? One year has brought a fair bit of recovery with the PTSD and Depression. This recovery is not because it just miraculously got better or one day my brain said “its all good I won’t mess with you anymore”. It required “work”, but, it also required a few more things authenticity, vulnerability, honesty and tenacity. Sure I could have figured a new way to become an Ostrich and bury my head in the sand. Actually, I couldn’t. I did that for the last 20 odd years and it got me to where I was a year ago, I was no longer capable of hiding.
One of the first books in my recovery that I read this year was the “Diamond Heart Book One” by A.H. Almaas. There is a chapter in the book titled The Student’s Relationship to the Teacher. Almaas talks that there are many paths to the truth, finding a teacher after years of work with others and then saying “wow, they healed me” discredits the student and the teacher, it fails to give credit to all the lessons from past teachers for bringing you that far. Have you met someone who has said, “This was the miracle” or anything to that effect? Yes, those that are reading this who know me will attest that I too have said something similar. What those people and sometimes what I did not do, is give credit to the other teachers, even the bad ones.
I have not published this and many other blogs that I have written because I feared hurting someone, in this case taking away from a teacher current or past. Well in this blog I no longer feel that is the case. Since those that brought me to a year ago where I crashed allowed me to find the path I was meant to find. They kept me nourished long enough to get there, otherwise it would have happened much sooner. Or maybe, if I found it earlier I would not have listened or been ready to listen.
Personally I did not really trust the past teachers, they would sit there listening, just listening and interject with the odd “how does that make you feel?” There was no connection, I felt as if they sat there judging me because they would not say I was right or wrong in my thoughts. Then, there was the body language it was un-inspired and cold.
I finally found the first teacher that was able to reach me; she is a trauma expert and has worked with military personnel for a lot of years. She engaged me in conversation, sharing some of her own stories to show I was not nuts or alone. Well if I was nuts, she was right there with me. Her small roles of vulnerability in our conversation helped me start to trust. Not once did she look at me in a way that showed anything but compassion.
However, the practice of formal psychology still left something missing. I can only describe it in the way of eating. You need X number of calories a day to fuel your body. But, perhaps you are unaware what healthy nourishment looks like, so you nourish yourself the only way you know. On the first day you start to run at a deficit, and that deficit adds to tomorrows, that continues on and on. This practice slowly brings you further from the line of nourishment required to fuel your body. As this deficit mounts, sooner or later your body starts to shut off certain functions just to survive. Now this may take weeks, months or even years to impact you. However, sooner or later it will impact you because you are not doing enough daily and each day it’s at a deficit adding to a deficit.
This is how my recovery went for the last 8 years, it was enough to make me think it was working that I was being mentally nourished. However, over the years it was slowly depleting me, every day, every week and every year the gap was getting bigger. There were warning signs, but in most cases I missed them, the problem with a slow depletion is that when you finally realize it, you’re pretty deep.
That’s why it takes work, authenticity, vulnerability, honesty and tenacity. If these sessions are to work you need to always remember to talk to the people you are trusting with your care. If you find you can’t talk with vulnerability, honesty and authenticity, asks yourself why? Maybe they are not the right teacher for you? Maybe it’s not them maybe it’s the path they have you one. I am not a believer that if it works for me it will work for everyone. It’s ok to find someone else. Also if you find a teacher who agrees with you all the time, they don’t help either. If they are telling you or agreeing with you that it is always someone else then maybe find someone else, good teachers challenge your thinking they make you question even more then you might already do.
I found another teacher, one that went even deeper, one that had the type of nourishment I required. I also expect many more teachers to come, especially now that I can hear more clearly.
Keep chasing those cars!
With Love, Respect and Admiration