As the years have passed and my own journey has gone deeper and deeper, I have started seeing the truth of the past; this is beyond the wounds that impacted me as a child and later on into my adult life. I know each journey is one that we must willingly go on ourselves, we can invite people to walk with us and they can even give direction, but it is the individual who must take the steps. So even though my practice is walking with others, I must also continue on my own journey of discovery.
About 7 or 8 years ago I came across a Ted-Talk by Esther Perel, The Secret to Desire in Long-Term Relationships. It was amazing, not because it answered for me how to have long lasting fulfilling relationships, it helped but there is much more I have found on this journey that benefits relationships. Plus she only had 18 minutes on the Ted-Talk so really it is just another step.
But During the video Esther spoke about 6 things that we need as base human needs, what I heard is what we all need no matter the age. These 6 things are 1) Safety 2) Security 3) Predictability 4) Dependability 5) Reliability and 6) Permanence. The first time I heard this video and for almost 8 years after I knew that these six things were not a part of my life. That many of the messages I received as true came from these imbalances.
As an example 18 schools in 13 years (we moved a lot) took its toll. Before my journey I used to think I was not smart because my grades were horrible. And so many people saw grades as the only guide that someone was intelligent. During my journey and starting University I smashed my belief that I was not book smart, my grades in University are phenomenal. But, my negative belief was so strong that I thought the professors were only cashing a check, they were not marking my papers, because if they were there was no way I would be getting the great marks and keeping a 3.87 GPA.
So I decided to show myself that I was not worthy of great grades, that the teachers were in fact not even reading the papers. I submitted a paper no proof reading, no congruity in writing, it was crap. Guess what happened? I barely passed. The professors marked what they got and I got a 61%. So just maybe I was smart. If I worked hard, studied and did the assignment I would be rewarded not only with a future graduation, but also with something more important. Removing a limitation that stood in my way for 38 years.
I looked at my life and it became clear, I was not stupid, on the contrary, to even pass with such movement in my schooling was impressive as hell. And when I only judged myself on one measure, I was hurting me. I believed a lie that I was constantly repeating to myself until it became my truth.
So if “I” messed up with thinking I was not book smart, what else did I see differently from the truth?
Well there is one really big oversight, that I would like to correct.
I may have not always had those 6 things, at a 10,000-foot level, and for many years that is how I saw life. Moving all the time created a lack of stability, it created uncertainty, the dependability of the environment was missing the list goes on. Having someone who used emotions like a weapon against you in battle also had impacts. A dad I saw, but not as much as I wanted. Having addiction in a family like it was our family crest.
Yet, if I looked at life from the 1-foot level, for what was right in front of my eyes, if I was present in each moment there was a different truth. One that for many years I did not see because I had a story going on in my head playing on a loop, much like the “I am not smart story”.
This is where I did have Safety, Security, Predictability, Reliability, Dependability and Permanence. On that was not in a house, a school or an organization, it was not even in that many people. But, it was in one person, my mom! A woman who everyday made sure we did have a constant something. We had her! So on this day and the days that will come I will always be grateful because without her there is no me, without her I would have had a much different journey. And who today is my biggest cheerleader, my biggest supporter and honestly MY BEST FRIEND FOR EVER.
So for today my writing is only to say. Happy Mother’s Day Mom I love you and thanks for being patient as I found my 6.
Love your son
Keep chasing those cars….
With Respect, Love and Admiration